Friday, July 5, 2013

Bringing Jimmy Back

It's been almost a year since I introduced you all to Jimmy. The post titled Staying Away From Jimmy has received more hits than any other of my blogs. I closed the original by saying, "To be continued," yet I didn't. You may want to read it to refresh yourself.

Now, let me bring you up to date on what has happened to our good friend.

Jimmy went from the Juvenile Rehabilitation Center straight to prison, because he hadn't sufficiently rehabilitated. When he was finally released from prison he was missing a few teeth, caused by several run-ins with a former English professor, Mortimer, who also happened to be 250 pounds of solid muscle. Over the years, Mortimer decided to bulk up because he found that being intimidating was the only way to get his students to pronounce words correctly. When he heard an offending word, like someone pronouncing "height" like it had an "h" at the end, saying "heighth," he would slug them. This was frowned upon by the principal, superintendent, and law enforcement, so he ended up in the slammer.

Jimmy had the misfortune of being Mortimer's cellmate. Jimmy continued his pronoun abuse, and Mortimer found a good reason to use him as a punching bag. Jimmy also had problems with a few words, like "height," so Mortimer had several reasons to pound Jimmy into the ground.

It started like this. They were in their cell when Jimmy turned to Mortimer and said, "Can I axe you a question?"

Mortimer said, "Excuse me?"

"I need to axe you a question."

The fist came out of nowhere. "It's 'ASK' you moron."

"OK, OK. I just wanted to know if you had any idea why that guard, Bruno, was being so mischievous lately?" Unfortunately, he pronounced it "mis-chee-vee-us."


Again,  he pronounced it incorrectly. Mortimer's fist flew through the air.

"It's 'mis-chi-vous', idiot. Where did you learn to speak?"

"In school. The one acrossed from the high-tension wires."

"Acrossed? You mean 'across' don't you?" POW!!

"Stop hitting me! You make me want to excape."

"Escape!!" Mortimer screamed, landing another blow. "There's no x in escape, and while we're at it, there's no x in espresso either!"

"Owww!! I'm bleeding. I need to get a bandage in my draw."


And that was just one day's English lessons.


  1. Love it, John! These are personal "grrrrrs" for me, too. I saw a cute episode of Raymond last night--an old rerun--and Ray was on TV. His wife told him he had used axe and a couple of other mispronunciation and it was hilarious. I even hear these committed by TV news people. Really? No wonder our kids can't speak correctly.

    1. Thanks, Linda. I hear "heighth" way too much on sports broadcasts, by supposedly professional announcers. It drives me nuts!

  2. You had me laughing and almost crying,John. This is great stuff!Thanks

    1. Thanks, Margie. And thanks for the RT, too. I can use all the exposure I can get!

  3. Hi John. This is certainly an approach to teaching that leaves an impression on the student. My husband and I hope to join your monthly meetings next November when we come to Florida for the winter. If you're an example of the writers there, the meetings should be worth while.

    1. Thanks, Lesley. It'll be nice to have you join us. It's a good group.

  4. Had a skinny, white-haired, fifth-grade English teacher just as intimidating with stares as Mortimer with fists. Never underestimate old ladies.

  5. This is great John! My aunt says "axe" all of the time. But I must admit that I am guilty of the occasional "draw" myself. It's funny because I do catch myself when I say it! Thanks for the laugh! Hope all is well.
    Donyell :)

    1. Thanks, Donyell! Hope all is well with you, too. I miss you guys!